Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
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Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
this… may be the greatest story ever told