Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
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Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂