Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
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Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense