Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
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What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh