Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
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I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
OMG 🤣🤣
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.