[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
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[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
the short answer to this question
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
When libraries troll their patrons.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Investing in beetcoin
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭