I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
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I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
HOW DARE YOU
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
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