My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
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all that yoga finally paid off
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
WWE is French for “yes”
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Worth the read.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.