I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
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Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”