My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
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Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.