I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
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Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward