No way!
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date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.