Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
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[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Don’t tell me what to do
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!