There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
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Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”