Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
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Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.