Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
You Might Also Like
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???