My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
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i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
AM I BEING GASLIT????
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him