Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
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M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Smooooooth
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
I thought this was funny lol
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.