🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
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These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots