To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
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Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.