satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
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*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.