Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
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Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.