I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
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Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]