HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
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This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
why isn’t he texting back
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.