Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
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I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.