“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
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Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door