Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
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Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.