Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
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Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire