I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
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10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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