who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
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Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”