Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
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blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie