when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
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It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
đź‘ŹGIVE đź‘ŹTHE đź‘ŹOTHER đź‘Ź49 đź‘ŹSTATES đź‘ŹTHEIR đź‘ŹOWN đź‘ŹCHAINSAW đź‘ŹMASSACRE đź‘ŹMOVIES
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.