When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
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ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”