[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
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Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Happy Febuary everyone!
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up