Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
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[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it