Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
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‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?