my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
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Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
bought wrong eggs
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬