I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
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Danger is very dangerous
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.