“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
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There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.