[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
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I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?