Heroic Misunderstanding
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[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Truth
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”