Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
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Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
WHY would you be happy about this?
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Money is the root of all wealth
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo