I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
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“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”