I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
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I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Simple
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?