An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
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imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…