I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
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ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
The human personality is made of five key elements
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.