(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
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[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
“what that mouth do?” complain
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?