her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
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I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Anyone want a chair?
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.