Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
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*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting