My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
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If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
My neck my back my allergy attack
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!